Back at work

Today was my first day back at work following a three month break. It's been a fantastically long three months (and I don't mean "fantastic" as in "terrific," but as in "preternaturally"). I'm grateful for the return to order. If you haven't figured it out already, I'm horrific at regulating myself. Even so, I woke up way too early (4:00!) worried about the day. Perhaps it was because after several months of self-imposed isolation, I was going to be surrounded by people. Usually, this sets me on edge, so I took 1/2 xanax before I attended the big meeting that initiates our work year.

As I said, I was dreading seeing all of these people. But, surprisingly, I was pleased to see everyone (at least, those I know). You see, I assume that people don't like me, that people avoid me, etc. So I was thrilled when I was greeted with hugs, pleasantries, and happy catch-up chats (and no, it's not because I've been away for "health issues").

I guess that I'm projecting my distrust of people: I expect them to see me how I see them (now, that that make any sense?). I'm seriously phobic about social situations. I'm peculiar about meeting people. I don't--I can't--walk up and introduce myself to a stranger. I wait for introductions. Even if I'm standing with a friend and an unknown third party, I won't say jack unless/until I'm introduced. I don'tknow if it's shyness or a fear of intruding on others' conversations, but there it is. I just fail at sociability. Unless I drink. then, I fear, I get too social. Which is why I am not attending the annual autumn wine and cheese 'do.

Anyways, today was an uncommonly nice day.

Aside: Miles Davis's "Black Satin" is one odd track; I can't decide if it's disconcerting, frightening, or genius.