While digging around trying to learn more about Asperger's, I found this quiz. My results:
Your Aspie score: 174 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 40 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Funny. Of course, this is, in no way, a diagnosis. Quizzes like this are too general and are too open to manipulation by the test taker (e.g., if you have an idea of what the "right" response is, you click it). But it is a yardstick of sorts--I know I'm not way off base by exploring the possiblity that I have AS.
I've been trying to work today, but I can't focus. It seems as though every time I settle into my subject, a firetruck or police car goes screaming past my window with all sirens blazing. It's a lovely fall day, though. So when I get distracted (too often), I just drink my coffee and look out the window at the vari-colored trees. Nice. Especially with my iPod's 13 hour jazz playlist on in the background (hardly necessary information, butt here you go). It's a Robert Frost kind of day.
We decided not to travel to see me family for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. I need to spend that time working. Neither of us wants to engage in the family drama and all the free floating anxiety that accompanies any holiday 'do. We can't afford--emotionally or financially--a Christmas away from our place. So here we'll sit in our pajamas watching bad television. Bliss.
Showing posts with label Asperger's Syndrome. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Asperger's Syndrome. Show all posts
10 November 2007
22 October 2007
My Nerves Are Bad Tonight. Yes, Bad. . .
I have a trapped nerve in my neck/right arm. It’s not good. I’ve had difficulty working for the past week. Woe. Alas. Etc.
In other news:
After a few weeks of being “good” with drinking, it’s back with a vengeance. That is, I’m back on the bottle with a vengeance. Part of this is because we had a friend staying with us this past week, and he’s a heavy drinker. I’m not saying he’s forced me to drink too much wine (two hangovers this week), but his presence made an easy excuse for myself. The thing is, I’m not serious about quitting drinking. I don’t really want to quit. I like it. I just don’t like how I get carried away with it. Last week, while watching Dexter, I experienced some discomfort as the eponymous character attended an NA meeting. He called his addiction "The Dark Passenger." I'm not sure that title applies in my case. It's no passenger. . .it's me.
Anyway.
More On the Asperger's thing. The clinician I spoke with the other week got back in touch with me (it was a follow up to our meeting; I hadn’t told her about my little foray into contacting one of the therapists she’d recommended). She knows of a therapist who is interested in exploring AS with me. I am happy. I’m not looking to get some official diagnosis; I just want some help figuring things out.
To those who have reached out--thanks.
In other news:
After a few weeks of being “good” with drinking, it’s back with a vengeance. That is, I’m back on the bottle with a vengeance. Part of this is because we had a friend staying with us this past week, and he’s a heavy drinker. I’m not saying he’s forced me to drink too much wine (two hangovers this week), but his presence made an easy excuse for myself. The thing is, I’m not serious about quitting drinking. I don’t really want to quit. I like it. I just don’t like how I get carried away with it. Last week, while watching Dexter, I experienced some discomfort as the eponymous character attended an NA meeting. He called his addiction "The Dark Passenger." I'm not sure that title applies in my case. It's no passenger. . .it's me.
Anyway.
More On the Asperger's thing. The clinician I spoke with the other week got back in touch with me (it was a follow up to our meeting; I hadn’t told her about my little foray into contacting one of the therapists she’d recommended). She knows of a therapist who is interested in exploring AS with me. I am happy. I’m not looking to get some official diagnosis; I just want some help figuring things out.
To those who have reached out--thanks.
12 October 2007
Black Ice on the Head Trip
This has been quite the week. Following a twenty-year boycott of therapy and therapists, I "reached out," as they say.
I visited the university’s counseling center trying to get the ball rolling on this Asperger’s thing--I just want to investigate the possibility that I’ve got this condition. So I spent an hour with a young clinician. A nice young woman who listened and responded rationally. Then she gave me a list of resources outside the university. She gave me three names that I duly Googled.
One recommended name belongs to a kind of hypnotherapist (no way. I spent several of my teenage years with a hypnotherapist who convinced me I was way more unloved and unwanted than I was. She told me my mother had wanted her first baby to be a boy, so I was being punished for being a girl. A bit fucked up, no? I stopped seeing her after that business).
Another recommended name belongs to a well-qualified fellow who specializes in “educational testing” and men’s psychology. Um, guess that one’s out then.
The third recommended name seemed promising enough, so I phoned her; her phone went straight onto voice mail. I left a name and all. She phoned me back not twenty minutes ago. In an extremely rushed exchange, she pushed me to set up an appointment immediately--tomorrow afternoon. When I asked her if she didn’t want to know why I wanted to meet with her, she paused. So I explained there was some minor depression, some anxiety, some family and social issues, and I was interested in exploring Asperger’s.
Silence.
“Well, you know Asperger’s’ got a lot of press lately.”
Silence.
“I can’t help you. But thanks for calling.”
Implication: I’m attracted to the hot new disorder / syndrome / whatever. I hear about something “new” or "glamorous" in the news and jump to self-diagnose. Well, I’m not like that--not typically, anyway. My mother is like that. But on reading about AS--everything seems so right. My long-term partner has read AS materials and agrees. My office mate has read the same AS materials, and she agrees. . . . I can't be totally delusional here.
I've been advised to try the psychiatric department at my university. The problem there is the department prioritizes students who require medication. And I don’t want medication. I just want grounding (does that make sense?). Besides, I think that the uni’s mental health facilities should prioritize undergraduates. They go through such hell--especially the freshmen. I feel guilty absorbing any of their time.
So, I’m unsure as to what to do now. Do I keep trying? There seems to be no one local who knows about Asperger's other than “it’s in the press.”
Maybe I am just going for easy answers. Lord knows, every time the head-health people tried to stick something on me (bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, etc.) they were wrong. I’m likely just as wrong as they. Just paint me angry, frustrated, disappointed, and rather lonely as hell right now.
I visited the university’s counseling center trying to get the ball rolling on this Asperger’s thing--I just want to investigate the possibility that I’ve got this condition. So I spent an hour with a young clinician. A nice young woman who listened and responded rationally. Then she gave me a list of resources outside the university. She gave me three names that I duly Googled.
One recommended name belongs to a kind of hypnotherapist (no way. I spent several of my teenage years with a hypnotherapist who convinced me I was way more unloved and unwanted than I was. She told me my mother had wanted her first baby to be a boy, so I was being punished for being a girl. A bit fucked up, no? I stopped seeing her after that business).
Another recommended name belongs to a well-qualified fellow who specializes in “educational testing” and men’s psychology. Um, guess that one’s out then.
The third recommended name seemed promising enough, so I phoned her; her phone went straight onto voice mail. I left a name and all. She phoned me back not twenty minutes ago. In an extremely rushed exchange, she pushed me to set up an appointment immediately--tomorrow afternoon. When I asked her if she didn’t want to know why I wanted to meet with her, she paused. So I explained there was some minor depression, some anxiety, some family and social issues, and I was interested in exploring Asperger’s.
Silence.
“Well, you know Asperger’s’ got a lot of press lately.”
Silence.
“I can’t help you. But thanks for calling.”
Implication: I’m attracted to the hot new disorder / syndrome / whatever. I hear about something “new” or "glamorous" in the news and jump to self-diagnose. Well, I’m not like that--not typically, anyway. My mother is like that. But on reading about AS--everything seems so right. My long-term partner has read AS materials and agrees. My office mate has read the same AS materials, and she agrees. . . . I can't be totally delusional here.
I've been advised to try the psychiatric department at my university. The problem there is the department prioritizes students who require medication. And I don’t want medication. I just want grounding (does that make sense?). Besides, I think that the uni’s mental health facilities should prioritize undergraduates. They go through such hell--especially the freshmen. I feel guilty absorbing any of their time.
So, I’m unsure as to what to do now. Do I keep trying? There seems to be no one local who knows about Asperger's other than “it’s in the press.”
Maybe I am just going for easy answers. Lord knows, every time the head-health people tried to stick something on me (bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, etc.) they were wrong. I’m likely just as wrong as they. Just paint me angry, frustrated, disappointed, and rather lonely as hell right now.
03 October 2007
More on Asperger's; a "Genius" thing
I’m still thinking about Asperger’s Syndrome, so tonight I phoned my mum. After the over-enthusiastic “Hellos!” were out of the way, I asked her how old I was was my IQ was tested, and what the result was (I wanted to confirm--can't always rely on memory).
“You were in fourth grade, and you hit 159. Why?”**
So I told her about my investigations into Asperger’s. Supersmart kids, inadequate social skills, obsessions about arcane/obscure subject matter, etc. As soon as she heard me out, she rushed to tell me she’d experienced social isolation too. She admitted that she’d always felt superior to others (like that was a bombshell), that she didn’t always get along with people, and that she has problems with logic (whatever that means; when I asked her for an example she avoided answering).
I wonder though.
I realize that the whole IQ thing is approached with some trepidation--too many environmental factors and so on. But I’m just realizing that, at eight years of age, I was considered “genius.” Nobel Laureate type genius (five point below Mozart’s theoretical quotient), and one point below the minimal Einstein guesstimate [although Einstein wrote that he was “145” Ha! The ‘umble AE]).
But is the IQ thing all bullocks? Might I have "lost" my “genius” by not "using" it? Is it dormant, or is that "genius" still “at hand”?
I fear thinking of it; if I begin to believe in the IQ thing, I may very well be setting myself for some hubristic comeuppance. It's easier to play dumb.
**After I was tested, I was placed in an experimental class for "gifted” kids. I’ve written about that experience in an earlier blog.
“You were in fourth grade, and you hit 159. Why?”**
So I told her about my investigations into Asperger’s. Supersmart kids, inadequate social skills, obsessions about arcane/obscure subject matter, etc. As soon as she heard me out, she rushed to tell me she’d experienced social isolation too. She admitted that she’d always felt superior to others (like that was a bombshell), that she didn’t always get along with people, and that she has problems with logic (whatever that means; when I asked her for an example she avoided answering).
I wonder though.
I realize that the whole IQ thing is approached with some trepidation--too many environmental factors and so on. But I’m just realizing that, at eight years of age, I was considered “genius.” Nobel Laureate type genius (five point below Mozart’s theoretical quotient), and one point below the minimal Einstein guesstimate [although Einstein wrote that he was “145” Ha! The ‘umble AE]).
But is the IQ thing all bullocks? Might I have "lost" my “genius” by not "using" it? Is it dormant, or is that "genius" still “at hand”?
I fear thinking of it; if I begin to believe in the IQ thing, I may very well be setting myself for some hubristic comeuppance. It's easier to play dumb.
**After I was tested, I was placed in an experimental class for "gifted” kids. I’ve written about that experience in an earlier blog.
17 September 2007
An "A-Ha" Moment
Although I'd planned for a long bike ride today, the weather wasn't conducive. Instead, I spent the day in my pajamas catching up on magazines I subscribe to.
One article, from the August 20th New Yorker, in particular caught my attention: "Parallel Play A lifetime of restless isolation explained." Tim Page, a music critic, wrote the article. He recounted his lifelong isolation, his attempts to "fit in," his social awkwardness, his obsession over minutiae, his reportedly high IQ, and I thought "Holy cow. This sounds way too familiar." The point is, a few years ago he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. So is it possible that I have this condition? Is this, and not my family situation, the reason why I am the way I am?
For a few reasons, I've declined any meetings with psychologists or psychiatrists for the past decade. I'm far too suspicious of the mental health industry as a whole. Page's article, however, has me thinking that perhaps I should seek some psych assistance.
Perhaps I do have a conditon that predisposes me to certain behaviours, and my family situation simply exacerbated that condition. I actually hope this is the case. . .because I would be able to concretize, define, me.
One article, from the August 20th New Yorker, in particular caught my attention: "Parallel Play A lifetime of restless isolation explained." Tim Page, a music critic, wrote the article. He recounted his lifelong isolation, his attempts to "fit in," his social awkwardness, his obsession over minutiae, his reportedly high IQ, and I thought "Holy cow. This sounds way too familiar." The point is, a few years ago he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. So is it possible that I have this condition? Is this, and not my family situation, the reason why I am the way I am?
For a few reasons, I've declined any meetings with psychologists or psychiatrists for the past decade. I'm far too suspicious of the mental health industry as a whole. Page's article, however, has me thinking that perhaps I should seek some psych assistance.
Perhaps I do have a conditon that predisposes me to certain behaviours, and my family situation simply exacerbated that condition. I actually hope this is the case. . .because I would be able to concretize, define, me.
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